murphymaureen's Blog

Baby if you want to be right, I will let you be right.

murphymaureen — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:54:25 +0000

It seems that while I think that I’ve made my feelings perfectly clear… It seems that you may be a bit wary of my intentions. So let me spell it out for you, in black and white.

I am crazy, head over heels, madly in love with you. You are the bright spot in my days. I wait for the very moment that I get to speak to you, and the idea of seeing you fills my stomach with butterflies. After spending an afternoon with you my face hurts from the sheer amount of smiling and laughing that has occurred. The idea of us together is the only one that seems to make sense anymore. The irony of the entire situation is not at all lost on me. Instead I cherish that we have ‘a story’. Something that belongs to only us. A journey, that may not have been ideal, but was irrefutably worth it. Now look at us. We can do it. Just know that I’m all in. I’m ready. Without a single hesitation or doubt. I want you.

Lo and behold, my love hasn’t grown cold.

murphymaureen — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:16:34 +0000

Hello dear readers. I’m sorry that I haven’t been as faithful to this blog as I once was. This blog was extremely good to me when I was struggling through my first year away from home. And this is how I show my gratitude? It seems that I have neglected what was, and is, my catharsis. So here I am, returning to vent, to release, and to unwind.

Let me begin by informing you that life is on the upswing. (Not that it was ever going horribly wrong.) I am currently on the precipice of big change. I’m going to be attending a different school along with moving into a new home in a new part of town. So much new coming so fast. But luckily I have a peace about all of it. My new home is in the heart of one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever had the opportunity to be a part of. I am absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to walk everywhere and anywhere on whim. And the best part of all of it…? I get to be closer to my sister. My sister and I have never had the opportunity to really get to know each other, but the more we do, the more I adore her. I am INCREDIBLY blessed with all four of my siblings (3 biological, 1 ‘stunt’ brother).

I am also attending a new church that I couldn’t be more thankful for. It seems that whatever the message, or whoever may be speaking, I always get something positive and thought provoking out of it. I’ve also never experienced such a heart of worship at the center of the community and church. Ugh, life is good.

If only life was simple. But then I suppose I would have nothing to write about.

Until next time,

Murphy

I thought I knew…

murphymaureen — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 18:20:56 +0000

The majority of time, music expresses the very thoughts that my words fail to. Right now this song is speaking for me.

Enjoy.

Stop trying to fix it. You can’t. You broke it.

murphymaureen — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 18:35:51 +0000

I’m not okay with this, quite frankly I’m very upset. I don’t think this is very fair to me. At this point I’m not sure you realize that everything that you have in the ‘relationship’ is one sided and completly selfish. I’m standing here, wanting to love you, wanting to give you everything, hoping that some day you’ll choose me, and the fact of the matter is, that just isn’t going to happen. But that isn’t the point, I’ve come to terms with that. I’ve braced myself for the very instant that you leave and I never see you again.

What I have a problem with, is your needing to care. Your need to interject your thoughts and opinions into my life, when you have no intention of being apart of it. When I talk about another guy or if I talk about my future plans, you have no right to tell me your opinion. You have no right to tell me whether or not you think that he is good enough or ‘worthy’ of me. How the hell am I supposed to move on and forget about you if you won’t let me. Maybe you have this fear that if I begin to move on, the attention that I so lavishly bestow on you will no longer be there, maybe you really don’t think he’s good enough for me. But once again that’s not the point. You don’t have the right to care. You have to earn that. And quite frankly I’m not okay with the fact that you have a girlfriend, so I’m not allowed to care, but anytime that you want to share your opinion with me, you so openly do. What kind of twisted logic is that?

Do you honestly not see that you are slowly killing me inside? I’m already struggling to meet anyone without comparing them to you, but your making it even harder… harder to breathe. You’re suffocating me. Please, please, please, just stop smiling your perfect smile. Stop speaking your perfect words. Stop calling me. Stop looking my way. Stop sitting next to me for hours and telling me your hopes and dreams. Stop making me go weak in the knees.

The worst part is that this mood I’m in is because of you, and you’re sitting there trying to fix it. Stop trying to fix it. You can’t. You broke it.

“Heads Carolina, Tails California”

murphymaureen — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:58:18 +0000

So now that we are swiftly approaching March, I feel that it is necessary to update you all on my progress in relation to my New Year’s Resolutions. This is actually more accountability for me than it is of any benefit to my readers, but I feel like you have all become apart of my journey simply by me letting you in.

1. My first goal was to “Get Healthier”. I am proud to say that not only do I feel like I’ve accomplished this, but I feel as if I’ve exceeded my own expectations. The last couple of months I have joined a weight loss challenge and am proud to report that I am the lowest weight I have been in over 5 years. It feels great. Not only am I now actively working out, but I’m eating right, not just dieting.

2. My second was the daunting task to organize myself… and well, I’m getting there. I started out very strong and am trying, oh so desperately, to get back there. I’m definitely doing better than first semester but still not where I want to be.

3. My last goal was to make new friends. I have made new friends! I’ve tried to make myself more approachable in my classes and at work, and I really feel like I have done that. Truth be told, I don’t see my roommates much anymore, and I’m realizing that next semester I probably won’t see them at all, so I’m branching out. I even went to a school dance! And I had a blast. Getting out there has really done a wonder for my self-esteem.

But that whole dating thing…. yeah that’s dumb. I give up. I’ve attained more stalkers than dates. To quote a writer in the GVSU newspaper, “the men here are swamp trolls”. While that may be extreme, some days that seems very very true.

This might be the first time I’ve ever actually gotten close to attaining my goals. It’s an amazing sense of accomplishment.

“You make the earth move”

murphymaureen — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 02:16:09 +0000

Why hello dear friends and readers. It seems that it’s been a while since I’ve written a new post. I’ve come to realize that I’m not very good at keeping up with this. I only seem to post on nights that I’m alone in my apartment and in a melancholy mood. Making these posts increasingly depressing. But, have no fear, it’s only because I’m not much of a blogger when all seems to be going well. So instead, let’s think of the lack of updates as a sign that life is all around good. Don’t get me wrong things could be going better, but all in all, at this point in time, I’m happy. Or at least happy enough, and shall we say content?

Well overall things are going well here at the home front, but I will admit, a bit lonely. Just to clarify, I’m very happy that my roommates are happy, but they have other people now. Before we were each other’s closest confidants, and I loved every minute of it… but alas they are in love. And while I truly am happy for them, it gets a bit depressing spending your friday nights at the gym by yourself. But hey at least I’ll have a rockin’ bod… right? And well I’m about to spend a Saturday night at the gym as well, so seriously, this rockin’ bod better be looming.

Work is also great. I love every minute of it. I love the people I work with and the interactions that I have with angry parents. Quite frankly, it makes for great anecdotes. Unfortunately my productivity level has decreased in the past couple of weeks, seeing as they put the school’s hunky quarterback near my desk. Not only is he easy on the eyes, but boy oh boy is he a doll… and I digress. But overall things are good.

School on the other hand. I’m doing well, but I feel no motivation. I go, I do the work, hopefully I’ll get the grades I need, but I’m beginning to wonder if this is really what I want to do. At this point it just all seems a waste. I know eventually all of my work will pay off, but it sure doesn’t feel like it now.

All in all. Life is nice. It’s a very un-hassled life that I lead. Quite fulfilling at times, very lacking at others.

She feels the music… but all He can feel is her.

murphymaureen — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 05:13:57 +0000

Hello all.

It seems that recently I’ve come here (my blog) to post something new and interesting about my life and I end up getting tongue-tied and find myself unable to articulate my thoughts. To be honest, this is quite the parallel with my current life situation. I’m just awfully jumbled these days, but have no fear, I’m getting it together.

So a whole lot has happened from the last time I posted. For starters, it is a brand new decade. And while other new years have felt uneventful and insignificant, for some reason I felt the winds of change this year. I just felt as if I was getting a fresh start. And with this fresh start I decided to make some resolutions. Now I”m not much of a New Year’s resolution kind of a gal, but this year I thought of it more as making goals for myself. More long-term and deep as opposed to the normal immediate and superficial ‘resolutions’ that are so easy to be made (and just as easily forgotten) this time of year. And thus far I’ve been pretty great at my follow-through! I’ll give you a few examples of my chosen life goals for this brand new decade.

1. Get healthier! Now this is not the standard ‘lose weight’ goal that is so popular, but rather eat well, get to the gym, take care of myself. Already I just feel better about myself in the short amount of time that I’ve been striving to accomplish this.

2. Get organized! My first semester of college was one of the most hectic and outrageous times in my life. This semester feels new for me! I want to get things in order and have a sense of accomplishment each day. Procrastinate no more!

3. Make new friends! My whole life, I’ve hung out with my parents friends and people I knew from church, and for the first time, I’m being forced to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. While this may be one of the most uncomfortable things to do, I’m looking forward to meeting potential great friends.

These are just a few and some of the ones that I felt were really important for me this year and for years to come. And just between you and me, I also made myself a goal to start dating more… not because I’m looking for something serious, but because I want to meet new people and just make myself more available. And if anyone reads my twitter, then you know that I bravely left my number for a waiter at Red Robin and got a phone call. I’d say it was a successful first attempt to ‘put myself out there’, in dating terms of course. And I’m also attempting to procure a date with a boy I work with. Unfortunately for me, I think I might really like him. He actually challenges me in sports and movie knowledge (scary, I know).

Well until next time.

Love,

Murphy

My Beloved,

murphymaureen — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:53:24 +0000

This isn’t easy for me. Actually, this might be the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. To let my guard down just enough so you can see that I’m hurting inside. To let you see that I’m hiding what I really feel, and I so desperately wish you already knew without me having to write this. In fact, I’m a little surprised that it’s taken you this long to realize that you and I could never be ‘just friends’. So while this all may catch you off-guard, I need you to know that this is what has been building up inside of me for a significant amount of time now. My heart has begun to ache from the weight of the feelings that I have taught it to repress. But, for my sake, I can hold this in no longer.

So here it goes. With nothing left to lose but my dignity, I want you to know… I love you. I love you so much that sometimes I wonder how you could be so oblivious to it. I love you so much that there are some nights I don’t want to fall asleep because no dream could ever come close to your reality. There are times that I’m around you and I feel it from my face all the way to my knees, making it almost unbearable to stand. It doesn’t even take a touch or a spoken word, all I need is a glance from you and suddenly I’m head over heels in love. How can you not see that I would walk through fire to be with you? That I would die a thousand deaths so that you would never feel an ounce of unhappiness. I would be content with loving only you for the rest of my days.

But unfortunately with this confession, comes the realization that you don’t feel the same. So I’ll leave it at this, a profession of my yearning for you. And I hope that someday you long for someone the way that I long you.

Your,

Murphy

“Many waters cannot quench this love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be condemned.” -Song of Solomon

“I kept those chopsticks from when you taught abroad in Japan”

murphymaureen — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:35:15 +0000

Alright… here it comes… the Holidays. Goodness gracious, I do not feel prepared. I’m telling you, it’s because there’s no snow! While I am loving this 60 degree weather in November, I also love the first snowfall, and the second, and the third.

Right now all I want to do is curl up in a ball by the fire place and watch ‘You’ve Got Mail’. It is one of my favorite movies to watch during this time of year thanks to my best freinds mother.

I have no purpose with this blog, but I just wanted to post my excitement for the holiday season, because it is hard for me to contain. I even get to go home and snuggle my sweet puppy.

“This ain’t nothin’ but a heartbreak town”

murphymaureen — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:29:59 +0000

I honestly have no idea how to start this. I feel like I just hit a wall of emotions head on… and I’m not exactly sure how long they’ve been there…

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a pretty easy life. I mean, I’ve had my ups and downs, my disappointments, and my broken hearts. But for the most part it’s been a smooth road. And then just as it seems that everything is going great, two of the hardest things that I’ve dealt with in my life reared their heads again. And it just so happens that both of these ‘things’ are people in my life that I’ve tried time and time again to let go with no such success.

The first I’ve spent the better half of my life trying to get rid of. But it seems that no matter how hard I try I’m guilt tripped back into letting them back into my life. And I know that the only person to blame for this is myself. I’m a sucker for ‘them’. No matter how many times this person hurts me, I feel like I need to be the person to save them… for only God knows why. Well moving from home definitely helped put distance in this relationship and helped it sort of dissolve on its’ own. But then… for some reason, they felt the need to contact me tonight. And I’m just not ready to go back there. I don’t want to let myself and it kills me to completely cut someone off. Anyone that knows me, knows that all I ever want to please people. So this is honestly, destroying me right now. Because I know that this ‘person’ contacted me because they have no one else to go to, that is no one but me.

And then there’s the second person. I’ve never known where I’ve stood with him. I’ve never found somebody so hard to get a read on. And I’m usually the first to figure people out. Call it a sixth sense if you will. But after feeling rejected time and time again, and just feeling inadequate, I decided to separate myself from this person as well (with no bad blood and friendship still in tact). I just always felt like I wanted more out of the relationship than this person. And lo and behold, TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS, he feels like playing with my fragile heart. I know that he doesn’t mean to, and honestly he’s a little too daffy to realize that he’s doing it, but right now it hurts like hell. Because given the chance, I would love to be with this person, but deep down I know I would not come out the other side in one piece.

So tonight I feel like a good cry. Because for some odd reason, God thinks that I can handle all of this at once, but at this moment in time, it feels like a little too much for me to take on. I can already feel the weight on my chest. Wow, it hurts. Maybe a little John Mayer… a better yet, country music.

That’s all for now. I just really felt like I had to get that out there before I had a meltdown. I’m sorry if this is incoherent and hard to understand, but it would be very fitting because everything seems a bit jumbled up in my head right now…

Love,

Murphy